The Astonishing Adventures of Batlez

[BatLez]

A/N Okay, I have no fucking idea where this came from, really. But here's a beautiful, hella-short self-insert Batfic that should not be taken seriously by anyone anywhere at anytime. I will probably add more of ya'll into it if you want to be included, so just let me know. That being said, here it is.

Chapter One

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Lisa Rousseau tugged at her hair lightly, admiring its new cut. She would probably never get tired of changing up hairstyles every few months; it was a routine for her. She slipped her brown contacts in and headed out the door, getting into her van. Flipping out her cell, she dialed a few numbers in quick succession. “Guys,” she whispered, a smile spreading across her freckled face, “It’s time for a road trip.”

A few hours later, she had filled her van with herself and two friends. TC and Aliena talked animatedly in the back seats of the car. “Yes! We’re almost there,” Lisa shouted as the group passed a large signpost. It read, “Welcome to the city of Gotham.”

The trio whooped as they pulled past the sign and continued on to their hotel. It was an Embassy suite, nothing too fancy or else they’d empty their bank accounts completely. Not that that would be a problem, necessarily, because they all had quite a lot of emergency cash stored in a group account to fall back on. The car parked in the driveway and the group piled out of it, trying to race each other to the check-in desk.

Aliena arrived there first and handed her credit card to the attractive woman at the desk, giving her a little wink. The other two proceeded to tell the young lady what name their suite was booked under. “Rachel Berry!” they shouted, proud of the reference they had slipped in. Lisa grabbed the key card excitedly and led the group to their room. It took her a few tries to get the door open, but they eventually entered the suite and each picked a bed.

“Fuckin’ a!” Lisa shouted, bouncing on the fold-out couch that was currently in the ‘out’ position. “C’mon guys, let’s get dressed up. The hotel paperwork says there’s gonna be a really cool community masquerade ball at Wayne manor.”

TC just stared for a moment. “Uh… you do realize that those things have a huge chance of being like, held up, don’t you? Being shot in the face by some of the local crazies isn’t really one of my life goals,” he said.

“Do you think Poison Ivy would be there? Omigod, or Catwoman? I say we go!” Aliena contributed, smiling at the notion.

Lisa grinned back, “Yes, that’s exactly why I want to go. Maybe I’ll even get to see Scarecrow! And I obviously want to catch Harley, but there’s a pretty big likelihood that she’d be with her honey and… well, he wouldn’t be the best person to run into, would he?”

“Well, I wouldn’t really mind meeting the Joker but… Gah, okay. We can go. But if a rogue decides to get gun-happy, I’m bolting,” TC grumbled.

After the last person consented, Lisa ran as fast as she could to her luggage bag and pulled out a set of dresses. One of them was checked black and red and fitted in the chest with a flow-y empire waist, the other slinky and various shades of green, complete with vine patterns. Lisa held up matching domino masks, one amber and one black. She beamed.

Aliena ran over to grab the green dress when TC interrupted, “Oh dear lord, those colors? Really? We’ll be fucking attracting criminals. If I die it’s so your fault.”

A rental suit purchase and hours of make-up application later, the excited group made their way up main street and to the palisades. They parked in Wayne manor’s enormous back-lot, surprised by the number of limos lining the premises. Aliena skipped enthusiastically in front of her friends, her heels wobbling dangerously beneath her. “This is going to be sooooo awesome!” she announced, pulling open the front doors of the estate.

TC immediately regretted his hesitant steps into the main ballroom when he heard the faint echoes of gunshots at the other end of the expansive linoleum floor. “Shit.”

[BatLez]

Chapter two

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While TC skidded to a frightened stop, Lisa ran straight ahead and into the fray. She craned her neck to try and look above the masses of terrified people. When she finally located the source of the commotion, she walked straight toward it.

Men in strange helmets lined the entire area, carrying guns and glaring menacingly outward. At the top of the room’s spiral staircase sat a small man in a suit and top hat, who the group recognized as Jervis Tetch, The Mad Hatter.

“If he were here, I’m sure Mikey’d be way excited about seeing him,” Aliena said, gesturing up towards the stairs.

A small patch of space in the middle of the room seemed to be what Lisa was focusing on, though. She continued onward past the armed guards as if she was seeking something specific.

“Aw, hell yes,” she grinned, seeing a skinny man in a ridiculous burlap mask standing in the middle of a heap of collapsed individuals. The benign remnants of some light mist spread up towards the decorated ceiling.

Aliena and TC stayed back to avoid possible confrontation or poisoning, gaping open-mouthed at their friend traipsing towards a known and dangerous criminal. Lisa acted as if her disguise for the masquerade made her invincible, pushing past all of the writhing people on the floor.

She waved gleefully at the man in the mask, pulling it off of his head to reveal his pale skin and gingery-brown hair. He practically growled. “I can’t talk to you with that thing on your head, sorry! Heya, Jonny!” she chirped, her enthusiasm wavering as the Scarecrow pointed a dangerous looking spray-can in her face, “Er… Sir. Jonathan? Mr… Dr… Crane? S-scarecrow. Whatever you’d like to be called, I’m a freakin’ huge fan.”

Lisa stuck her hand out for him to shake only to be completely snubbed. Instead, Scarecrow pressed down on the nozzle of the can. Lisa covered her face with a hand, expecting to be drugged. What came out of the can was not the mist that covered the room but a bit of sputtering compressed air, rather like when a canister of whipped cream has run out.

Lisa’s eyes widened and she began sidling back to where her friends stood, slowly. Before she had even noticed the needle in her neck and the plunger being pushed, she was coughing and having something reminiscent of a seizure on the floor. Scarecrow hovered around her, still completely baffled by the girl’s lack of anything resembling self preservation.

“That costume is pretty fitting then, I guess. Both ridiculously unreasonable and naive women,” he said, kicking Lisa’s body to the side and chuckling as he continued across the ballroom.

Aliena gasped as she watched from afar, running up to where her friend had fallen. She grabbed the back of The Scarecrow’s jacket and punched him as hard as she could in the face.

“Hey, asshole, Danner was just trying to be nice and introduce herself to you, and you poisoned her? You’re like her idol. She’s even named her favorite stuffed animal after you, for God’s sake!” She said sternly, throwing the surprisingly un-phased man around a bit. She rarely used Lisa’s real name these days, except in moments of frustration.

“Yes, so she said,” Grumbled Scarecrow once he had regained his balance, “but I am neither a teen movie star nor a Jonas brother, so I don’t really see why I should have to deal with that sort of treatme-”

Before he could finish, Batman suddenly appeared on the scene. He took out the mind-controlled guards almost silently. The Hatter lay in batcuffs on the ballroom floor, his remote control spilling its electronic innards onto the ground and sparking. He went after Crane next, knocking him over and rendering him unconscious in a matter of seconds.

Aliena could only stare as The Bat beat Scarecrow senseless and secured his arms behind his back. She turned around and noticed TC behind her with Robin by his side. “Erm… I think he can help,” TC said, pointing to Batman’s sidekick, “he has some kind of antidote to the toxin thingy. He’s giving it to everyone around here who has been gassed.”

Robin nodded solemnly and sprayed the airborne antidote above Lisa and around the entire area. People snapped out of their frenzied states rather quickly. Lisa pulled herself up, looking pained. “I, uh, damn. That was kinda awesome,” she said, beaming but obviously still shaken.

“Uh huh,” TC began, “you’re such a crazy. You could’ve totally gotten yourself killed. That was reckless, selfish, stupid, retarded, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. Okay. I’ve filled my lecture-y quota for the day. Can we leave now?”

“I second that,” Aliena said.

The group then joined the large number of people spilling out the doors of Wayne manor, got in their van and drove back to their hotel, completely exhausted.

[BatLez]

Chapter Three:

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TC stretched and yawned as his alarm blared beside him. He carelessly slapped the mute button on the top of his clock and made his way towards the kitchen for breakfast. Aliena and Lisa already sat at the table, talking quietly. TC swore he had seen the two of them holding hands for a moment but they quickly retracted them as he entered the room, both blushing sheepishly.

Lisa dished out some scrambled eggs and toast to everyone and sat down, looking to her newspaper. “Well, the news people are having a huge freak-out about what happened at Wayne manor last week. While we dealt with Jonny, Hatter was stealing tech that Bruce Wayne was considering developing with his company. Cranezy was just a distraction. Apparently the news stations have just now received all of the details,” she stated with an accompanying eyeroll.

“Yeah,” Aliena muttered, “I’ve heard the police force here isn’t really the best… I mean, I’m sure they try really hard but they’ve got an awful lot to keep up with.”

“Mmhm,” TC and Lisa nodded in agreement.

A long silence followed, which Aliena decided to break by sliding her laptop in front of her. She clicked open the top and tapped on her firefox icon. “Sorry for the inconvenience,” an alert message read, “Your last session of Firefox seems to have closed, would you like to restore your previous tabs?”

Aliena hesitantly clicked the ‘OK’ button. A flurry of erotica and fanfiction websites opened themselves immediately in the top bar. “I, uh…” She began, “Must be a virus or something…” Startlingly pink font was visible on one of the page headers. She closed all of the windows promptly and opened a page she had bookmarked, blushing furiously. The other two decided to stay politely quiet.

The site that popped up was that of the Iceberg Lounge, a popular Gotham nightclub. “I thought this would be a good place to eat tonight!” she said, enumerating the luxurious features of the lounge.

“Sounds good to me,” Lisa agreed. TC nodded with her.

After Lisa had cleared the table, Aliena went to put her laptop away. TC followed her, smirking. He crept up behind her and whispered, “’This one time when I was ten, my mom told me it was okay to touch myse-‘” Aliena hit him on the head before he could finish his teasing.

“We are not to speak of that!” she hissed, half giggling and still whispering.

TC sniggered and crept back to the main part of the suite. He began to watch the newscast that Lisa had turned on earlier. A haggard looking announcer reported on the unfortunate break-out of the infamous Joker by his employee, the former psychiatrist Dr. Harleen Quinzel.

Pictures of the two flashed up on the screen. A possible connection with a recent heist by bio-terrorist Poison Ivy was noted, but not verified.

The three got dressed as quickly as they could with only one bathroom available and grabbed their things to go shopping. They drove to Gotham’s shopping district, making their way though long strips of clothing and cosmetics shops on foot.

As they walked down the sidewalk, Lisa noticed a tall, attractive blonde walk by. The woman stumbled a bit in her tall heels and looked rather worn, physically and emotionally. She was toting bags of groceries and had two horrendous dogs at her heels. Lisa did a double-take when she saw the woman and was very tempted to say something. Instead, she kept walking with her friends.

After over twenty shops had been hit, including a few manlier ones for TC’s sake, the group headed to the Iceberg Lounge for some well-deserved recreation. They walked in, shocked by the absolutely appropriate décor. The place shimmered with a blue and white color-scheme, multiple bars, a dance floor, and even a large pool in the center. The lights were dimmed and soothing music played to the rhythm of the synthetic waves in the pool.

“Let’s go get us some drinks!” TC shouted, leading everyone over to one of the sprawling bars. The three sat down on stools and ordered their drinks. Everyone showed their IDs but Lisa, who sipped a diet coke contentedly.

Men sporadically walked over and offered Aliena to dance. She denied all of them but a tall man with bright red hair and hazel eyes, who introduced himself as Edward. He had grinned at her when he approached with a drink and took her hand. Lisa scowled into her coke as the two walked to the dance floor.

“Let’s just hope he doesn’t sparkle,” TC said, smiling.

“Mrfff, he looks like a total ponce,” Lisa grumbled, “And what’s with that suit? Those colors? He prolly got his fashion sense from a leprechaun.”

The night lengthened and people gradually left the club. Aliena still clung to her mysterious Edward and TC had since bought a pretty brunette woman a drink. Lisa lurked on the sides of the dance floor, staring listlessly at the ceiling. She suddenly felt something slam into her. Looking over, startled, Lisa saw the blonde woman from earlier standing tipsily by her. “Oh, sorry,” the woman said with her eyes to the floor, “didn’t mean to bump into ya there!”

Lisa could only stare for a bit. She knew she would regret this for so many reasons, but found herself caught in the moment. Once she had regained her composure, she grabbed the woman hastily and kissed her on the lips.

[BatLez]

A/N: This one is shorter. Sorry Ya'll.

Chapter Four:

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Lisa secretly wished she had a TARDIS when she broke away from the kiss. If she had a TARDIS she could erase that moment from existence. It wasn’t that she hadn’t wanted to kiss the girl, but the risks associated were just too much for Lisa to handle.

“I uh… s-sorry!” Lisa stuttered and ran in the other direction. The blonde girl stared past her, her features slipping from content to terrified in an instant. Lisa smashed into a male figure while looking backward, falling over him and into a heap.

She looked down at the man currently laying under her and yelped, jumping up and offering him a hand. She now saw that it was the Joker, who was glaring lividly in Lisa’s direction. “Fuck, fuck. I’m… so sorry. I’m so fucking clumsy, can I-?” She began, her words drifting off as she helped Joker up. He dusted off his coat and Lisa saw his hand hover over the gun tucked in his jacket’s breast.

The Joker turned to the blonde girl, who Lisa now knew for sure was a plainclothes Harley Quinn. “Harley,” he said, “What just happened? Who is she?” He gestured towards Lisa irately.

“She’s nobody, I’m sure. I was just about to fall over ‘cause I had a little too much to drink an’ she helped me up. Nothin’ to worry about at all, Mistah J,” she lied. It was surprising how quickly she had come up with a fib to cover their actions. “Let’s just leave, okay? I’m a bit on the wasted side an’ I know you have lots’a stuff to plan now that you’re all broken out.”

Sighing, the Joker conceded, “Okay, Harls. We can leave and I’ll let the kid be. But you owe me.” Harley nodded and led the Joker towards the door. The man still found himself shooting Lisa dangerous glances as he exited the establishment.

TC caught sight of them from the dance floor and pointed enthusiastically. Lisa nodded, frowning, and walked somberly back over to the bar, plopping unceremoniously onto a barstool again. Aliena rushed excitedly to her side, smiling. “Omigod, Lisa, he is so cute! Isn’t he cute? He’s such a cool guy. He told me his last name too, said it was Nygma. We exchanged numbers and he’s gonna call me again!” She said enthusiastically.

“Is that so?” Lisa asked, “Good for that… but… wait. Nygma? Shit, Iceeh. You didn’t just go on a pseudo-date with the Riddler. Please tell me you didn’t.”

“I guess I did…” Aliena whispered, surprised. She hadn’t had any idea that Edward was the Riddler. “That’s ummm, well, at least he’s not a killer. He just steals stuff, right? I don’t think I’ve heard of him killing anybody.”

Lisa shrugged noncommittally as a response and stared at her coke a bit more. She wondered idly if the whole ordeal would have been more fun if she was drunk. In the corner of her eye, she saw Edward approaching the bar with a puzzled look on his face. “Who is your friend, Aliena?” He asked, gesturing lightly towards Lisa.

Aliena began to reply but Lisa cut her off, “Lisa Rousseau. And you’re Edward Nygma, so I’ve heard.”

TC hovered on the edges of the group, just having finished his own date. He frowned at both his date’s lack of spark and at the growing feelings of tension in the air.

“You look like someone that my friend told me about. Both of you, actually,” Edward muttered, looking back and forth between Aliena and Lisa.

“We’re new in town, so your friend must have been talking about someone else. Sorry, pal,” Lisa said, grimacing a bit.

With that, Edward apologized for the misunderstanding and said goodnight to everyone. Lisa hated how calm he always seemed. TC sat down exhaustedly at the bar. “Damn, people are boring. The girl was gorgeous but… jeez. Sheltered childhood, much? She couldn’t even tell me one interesting story about her life,” he lamented, “Cassie, was her name. I’ll bet she expects me to call her back.”

“S’alright, TC. I’m sure you’ll find somebody that doesn’t make you fall asleep halfway through a conversation,” Lisa said.

“Yeah… mid-conversation narcolepsy is traditionally not a good,” TC laughed.

“At least you always have us!” Aliena added, making Lisa smile.

[BatLez]

A/N: Sorry I haven't done much with you yet, TC. But I'll give you a story eventually, I swear! >_<

Chapter 5:

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“Buy me a Bat-suit, TC,” Lisa said, seemingly randomly. It was the day after their escapades at the Iceberg Lounge and the trio was extremely tired.

TC looked up from his book. “Uh… what kind?” he asked.

“A sexy one. Maybe with some pink trim? With lotsa armor, though. I wanna fight crime effectively yet still attract sexy supervillainesses.”

“Alrighty then,” TC agreed, wiggling his fingers in the air as if to conjure the fictitious costume.

“Nooo!” Lisa complained, “I wanna real one! I seriously think it’d be fun to be a Bat-brat. Or… maybe a villain’s lackey? I’ve always thought I’d make a great henchwench.”

“I can see it now. You’d be Batlez, crime fighter extrordinaire. Pickin’ up chicks and handin’ dudes their dicks.”

Lisa winced visibly at the crass statement, but laughed all the same. A moment later, she bolted upright from her chair and stuck a fist in the air. “I will make Batlez a reality, some day!” she exclaimed.

“Uh huh… sure you will,” TC teased.

As Lisa harrumphed and strode across the small living room/kitchen area of the suite, Aliena walked in, yawning. It was nearly noon, but Aliena was notorious for sleeping quite a lot. They were all startled by a sudden rapping knock on their hotel room door. Lisa hopped from where she stood and ran to the door, opening it to see Edward Nygma in the doorway. She groaned audibly.

Aliena rushed to the entrance of the suite, still in her kitten-patterned pajamas. She ruffled her brown hair in attempt to straighten it out. “Hey, Eddie! Come on in!” she said, waving with a bit more enthusiasm than was necessary. His eyes widened at her state of dress (or rather, undress), but regardless of whatever he may have been thinking, he walked unabashedly into the hotel room.

TC looked up from his book hesitantly for a moment only to return to reading. “So umm, why’re you stopping by?” Aliena asked, shuffling her slipper-clad feet. Edward ran a hand through his hair nervously.

“I just… wanted to clear some things up. You said you were new to the city, but you do know who I am, don’t you? What I do?” he questioned indistinctly, though the question was clearly meant for Aliena to answer. For her friend’s sake, Lisa kept her mouth shut. She could not have forseen what happened next though.

“Oh, yes! I do know. You’re the Riddler, right?” Aliena announced. She seemed unphased by the prospect of the awkwardness that would surely follow. Edward’s smiled genuinely and nodded.

“Okay, then you must know who I associate with. That friend I mentioned last night was the Scarecrow. The word on the street is that he’s after your friend Lisa. She was not mentioned by name, of course, but I recognized her by the description of her that’s been circulating. She wore a red and black dress to the masquerade, yes?” he asked urgently. Everyone in the room confirmed his suspicion with a synchronized nod.

“Why is he ‘after’ me? Is he butthurt that the Bat caught him partially because of my friends? I’d think that he’d be mad at Aliena, if anyone. She was the one who punched him,” Lisa grumbled bitterly, she was still upset that she’d been treated so poorly by her hero in the first place, “Not that I want her to be in danger as well!”

Edward shook his head. He clarified, “I’ve heard that he was mostly stunned by your lack of reaction to his toxin. The dose he gave you was supposed to cause a heart attack and judging by your current health, I would wager that it was not as effective as he had hoped. I’m not exactly sure what he wants with you, but I thought it would be best that I at least alerted you.”

“Well… thanks for that,” Lisa said, averting her eyes. She was caught between equal feelings of worry and excitement. She really did adore the Scarecrow’s work, no matter how morally grey it had become. She had followed his research even when he was still the mundane Dr. Crane. The prospect of meeting him again under any sort of circumstance was thrilling.

Aliena ran over to Edward’s side. “Thank you,” she beamed, giving him a small hug, “I really appreciate you looking out for us. I know that’s not really normal for someone in your line of work.”

Edward laughed, “It’s no problem. I think you’ll find that I’m one of the less extreme rogues. I can get away with this kind of thing, though I’d rather you really didn’t tell anyone where you heard all of this.”

“Can do,” Lisa affirmed. Just as suddenly as he had arrived at the suite, Edward tipped his head and left. Aliena wondered to herself what he looked like in his Riddler suit. She imagined that it was stylish and sophisticated, just like the man himself was.

Lisa found herself grinning despite it all, her urge to learn more about her idol winning over any logic that she applied. Aliena ran off to get dressed in some proper clothing and Lisa walked over to where TC still sat.

He fidgeted uncomfortably as a result of the discussion and looked up at Lisa. “I still think he’s a total ponce,” she said and sat down in the chair opposite.

Aliena returned in a green halter and jeans, practically skipping into the room. Lisa was almost angry until she noticed that Aliena was walking towards her. She put both hands on either side of Lisa’s chair and hopped onto the girl’s lap, smiling.

[BatLez]

Chapter Six

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Lisa sighed, cupping her chin in her hands as she sat at the coffee table. She honestly didn’t know what to do. Her friends had set up a guard schedule that involved a rotating sleep schedule in the evenings, with one person always being awake to watch the doors.

They also called Lisa every hour that they were outside of the hotel room, making her stay there at all times. She looked through the eyehole of the door and checked to make sure that the chain lock was latched.

Her phone rang suddenly, Felicia Day’s voice filling the empty space. “Hello?” she answered, sounding exasperated. For a few minutes there was nothing but silence. Finally, a petulant and cold voice answered.

“I have your friends. If you want to get them back undamaged, meet me at the fountain in central park. It should not be hard to find, even for you. It’s about a block from the hotel you are staying in.”

Lisa gaped at the phone. “And why do you expect me to believe you, Scary? You could very easily be lying,” she snapped. A growl crackled through the phone’s speaker, followed by the screaming voices of Aliena and TC.

Hanging up the phone immediately and grabbing her coat, Lisa exited the hotel. She ran through the streets and caught eye of the blonde from the bar, Harley, as she passed. No, she thought, that can wait till later. When she reached the park, she was an utter mess. Her hair was disheveled and her clothes were dusted with snow and spatters of mud.

She saw Jonathan, standing solemnly in the center of a large circle of benches. The iced over fountain behind him sparkled as it stood still. Lisa waved, grinning falsely. She approached the scowling Scarecrow and looked around.

Her friends didn’t seem to be anywhere in the area.

“Oh, I have them elsewhere,” Scarecrow said.

“Seriously? C’mon, Crow, you coulda at least brought them here for a proper exchange. Also, good to hear about your breakout! How’d you manage it? Friends on the inside?”

“I wanted to make sure I could get you back without a struggle. And no, I drove my guard to suicide. He had a surprisingly weak psyche for an Arkham employee,” he stated.

“Uh… huh. What do you want me for, exactly? It wasn’t like you actually wanted to help the Hatter get all that tech at Wayne Manor. You were just there for fun, yaknow? So I don’t really see why any of your situation is my fault.”

“The toxin didn’t work on you. That bothers me. I’d like to figure out why, exactly. Additionally, you named your stuffed animal after me. I don’t appreciate being equated with small, plush things.”

“Grow a backbone, Jonny. I’m surprised that your self esteem is so easily rattled by my elephant’s name.”

“It’s an elephant?” Scarecrow uttered, glaring now.

“Yes. A pink one,” Lisa beamed matter-of-factly.

Back at Scarecrow’s lair, Aliena and TC sat uncomfortably on the floor of their cell. Why Jonathan Crane had cells, none of them knew for sure. Chains hung unused on the opposite side of the room. “Maybe he has a secret BDSM fetish or something,” TC suggested.

“I dunno,” Aliena said, “he doesn’t seem like the type to even have a girlfriend or whatever. I mean, look around. All I see are books and chemicals and stuff.”

TC nodded in agreement. They both sat in silence for a bit, glaring at the thugs that walked back and forth in front of the cell. There was only one female minion, dressed in an outfit similar in style to Scarecrow’s normal costume. She leaned casually against a brick wall, her heels crossed. The two in the cell couldn’t help but ogle at her chest, which was nicely enhanced by a patchwork corset.

The lone henchgirl turned her head. “Hey, no staring,” she said with a smile. She would have been fairly pretty if it weren’t for a myriad of scars criss-crossing her facial features. One passed through her right eye, another split the left side of her mouth. Her smile quickly faded as Scarecrow walked through the doorway, keeping a tight hold on an unconscious Lisa’s arm.